Unlucky? Who knows. It's one thing to fall out of the tree. It's quite another to subsequently hit every branch on the way down. People will talk endlessly about their luck, yet, there is no such thing. You can try to premeditate and plan, but coincidence will ultimately rule your life - shit doesn't excuse itself, it just happens. Luck is a stupid concept, just like destiny or ‘god’. It’s all random, it’s all potential - so when life deals you 10 years of hardship, it’s easy to become paranoid. But hey, I might stop at 9. It doesn’t matter, all you need is Kafka and math. I mean you will be lost. But at least you won’t panic when the men in gray knock on your door, or hide behind the sofa when Apophis comes around for a second swing of a cosmic drive by. It might miss, mind you - like I said, it’s all potential. Coincidences put us beyond good and evil. There is salvation in that.
I had to put all projects on standby, I had to give up a few jobs. At the same time, I have watched the world catch fire and everything I enjoyed about it, turn to absolute shit. Who is not in dire straits right now? No one. You would have to be on another planet. Maybe Elon Musk or Richard Branson can help you - chances are they will make like a balloon and fly around in fart circles, until they inevitably collapse in the corner, void of energy and potency. Weightless, for 5 minutes, floating through space like the turds they are. It is quite a thing to see Musk being called a genius. All he ever says he has from real scientists. Some need a filter, apparently - why they chose complete assholes like Musk. Who the fuck knows? I see no real difference between him and Donald Trump.
So why not embrace fatalism - is this really a world worth saving? I mean, I have been told enough times in my life to ‘get lost’, and man, there are so many ways to get lost...
The Copium Carousel
As if my mug wasn't ugly enough. I made the choice to self medicate using a substance I had previously railed against. Alcohol. Perhaps, the most prolific weapon of mass destruction civilization has ever created. Why? Pain, isolation, boredom. Mind you, I would have been isolated without covid. Since spring 21, it just got worse and worse. Nasty pain spikes, fatigue, stress. Arthritis in the knee and both feet is a total shitshow, and because you walk 'wrong', your groin and back starts telling you you're an idiot on a daily basis.
When you have no respite regarding pain, alcohol quickly becomes a daily thing. Hard liquor. They wanted to screen me for depression. I told them I would throw that bottle in the ditch, from one day to another. I have an iron will. These nanny states some of us live in, have a tendency to make you forget who you really are and what you are capable of. I told myself. Except this time, I went back into the ditch and brought the bottle home. Severe, chronic pain changes everything. It’s always there, It’s always a possibility - and sometimes, you just want peace. The other thing that works is abstraction and focussing on others. Alcohol remains the easiest of the two, which fills me with sadness to no end. I made my peace with the universe long ago, whatever happens. But it pains me to see that in the 47 years I’ve been on this planet, nothing has changed at the core.
All of this started in 2014 and started with people turning my life to shit - when I got up from that, arthritis ripped through my life. So will it be 10 years? I have no idea and I am pretty sure I don’t care anymore. Two months ago I carried my dad’s urn on his final journey after doctors completely botched catching his cancer. At least he has peace now. Me, I’m in the 7th in a 15 round bout. But I promised my dad I would make something of myself again - a promise I am hell bent on keeping.
Come with me?
