Singing in the Dead of Night
As I sit here, I can feel my body returning to a state it was in years ago. Recently someone remarked to me that I reflect all the time. I get compliments on how fast my mind works. But it is a curse if I do not control my sleep. If you have not truly tried being an insomniac - there’s no real way of describing it. The days get increasingly weirder and a veil starts to exist between you and the real world. Sounds seem muffled and periods of stark focus as well as periods of not being able to focus pass by rather rapidly. Your eyes dart - one minute you’re ready to collapse, the next, wide awake. it is not until it is 3 days running that it gets really interesting, you go to another realm, you really do - as if you are not in reality. You're not really thinking, then again, that is all you are doing - but it feels like a flat line....a hum - a noisy quiet. The passing of time is extremely slow and feels as if it slows even more as the clock reaches the time when everyone else turns in. Not you. You wander, you think, you watch lectures on Quantum Physics, you read stupid stuff you have no interest in, just to pass time, you clean, you watch conspiracy theories to laugh at them, but end up being depressed at how stupid humanity really is - anything to keep your mind off how fucked up you are.
The Sands of Time Run Red
I have never told anyone that I am an insomniac, not even my parents - some know I had trouble sleeping for awhile and thought it was brought about by stress. Well, it enforces it - but I’ve been a light sleeper and an insomniac since childhood. Lying in my bed watching the moon and the stars travel across the sky as night became day. I could sleep heavily sometimes when I was a kid if I was exhausted but it got progressively harder as I grew up…it would get 1 AM for awhile, then 2 AM…..3 AM. Nowadays I just give up, if I even hit the sack in the first place. You want to know what loneliness truly feels like - it is when everyone else is sleeping and you sit up hour after hour for no reason at all. I have been sleeping for the past 3 years for various reasons. It was great while it lasted.
Why am I writing this? Process. It will not help, but it has a nice bullshit-placebo-effect: it soothes.
When Focus Fails
I wrote this a few years back when my hell was ripe.